Edward Get's Laid
by MinxBubbleOo
Summary: Edward wants to get laid, but Bella's a bit occupied and nothings going right...The only one willing to teach him is big bro Emmett, Read and review. Humor and Lemons inside, Click...if you dare! haha A dare Fic from my buddie xXHiddenSecretXx


**Title:Edward get's Laid...Add Emmett and you've got the jist of this... **

**Summary: Edward wants to get laid, but Bella's a but occupied and nothings going right...The only one willing to teach him is big bro Emmett, Lemon read and review. Mostly crack humor and stuff, not really accurate, all facts are aquired from Secret or stuff i heard or saw watching that extreamly long loooong movie x,X **

**What to say...First off, i dislike Twilight emmensly, i would go so far a****s to say i hate it and i will do untill the day i die. This fic was more like a challenge put forward by my buddie Secret one day when we were waiting for our dance class, she thought i wouldnt do it at first and then i did so she had to read it and apparnetly it is one of the best gifts ive given here cause its twilight...i would have rather wanted the giant teddy but meh... **

**So here it is... read if you dare, flame if you dare, fave if you dare, laugh and cry...if you dare....**

**Pairings EdxBella EdxEmmett EmmettxRosaile ExJasper(kinda) JasperxAlice AlicexBella ndddd thats it i think...**

**Warnings Ed bashing and lemon eh dont like dont read**

**Man i still cant believe i wrote this...Enjoy!!**

**LINEYTHINGYHAHAREADANDLAUGHATEDWARD!CAUSEOTHERWISEYOULLMISSTHEPOINTHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**

Edward was prowling around Bella's house as per usual, but tonight he was extremely flustrated, completely and utterly flustrated. See he'd been sitting outside Bella's house every night now for about a month now and he'd gotten nothing, you'd think that she would have noticed him once, even if only shortly, but no…they were friends… just stupid friends.

He paced around on the ground below Bella's bedroom window for a while longer before finally letting out a long exasperated growl. Tonight was going to be different; tonight he was going to get laid no matter what! So he spun round, now finally determined enough to confront Bella and sprung up onto the branches of the tree sitting outside her bedroom window.

"Okay Plan A… I knock on the window and ask, 'Hey Bella how are you?' and then somehow I coax her into sex…" Even Edward knew that that was getting pretty pathetic, so he discarded it and moved on to finding a new plan. "How about… I could always over power her…" Edward shook his head, he was exactly going to rape Bella, it was debatable…and he did debate it, but he finally decided that yes, raping Bella was out of the question.

He finally just decided to go with plan a, seeing as other involved drugs, alcohol, strippers and other interesting toys, he'd heard Rosalie talk about. He jumped over to the window, using his super vampire powers (xD couldn't resist) and gripped onto the ledge to stop himself from falling and peered inside. "I hope she's not asleep yet, sleep is such an irritating necessity for humans."

He'd often come to Bella's window, in hope to talk to her…or other things, only to find she was fast asleep. It was fine the first couple of times, but every night!! It got rather tiresome, so sometimes he'd rattle the branches of the tree he sat upon or knock on her window to wake her up, only to fade back into the darkness and watch her move around trying to find the source of the disturbance.

He loved to just sit back and take in every feature of her vital essence, she was his addictive drug (ACK DIES!!! x_X) her long mahogany hair, that flowed around freely, curving around her delicate face that was so white, yet so very colourful, all different shades in different situations. Edward loved to just watch Bella be…well Bella. (Seriously I think I barfed…)

But tonight none of that was necessary, Bella's light was on, meaning she was awake. And when Edward looked in through her window, the shock nearly send him plummeting to the ground. There was Bella, as large as life sitting on her bed. Nothing was wrong with that, but…sitting very, _very_ close to her was Alice.

He couldn't believe he hadn't noticed her sooner, but then again, he hadn't really been expecting his sister to be at Bella's this late at night. Both girls sat there on Bella's bed chatting, but Edward frowned, he didn't like the look that was in his sister's eyes, sure they weren't blood red but…something still wasn't right about them. The normally nice looking brown haired pixie, had a mischief glint in her eyes and Edward was beginning to fear for Bella. Perhaps he should go save her…

He craned his head to try and heard what they were saying, or even read Alice's mind and once again the shock of what he heard nearly sent him plummeting to the ground. "Sex?!! Why are they talking about sex and kissing and…periods? What's a period?... maybe it's one of those toys Roslie was talking about…" Edward shook his head, periods he would deal with later, for now he wanted to know why Bella was talking to Alice about sex.

He would have been happy to inform Bella about sex, well not that he knew too much about it…but he was willing to try, _very_ willing. (Horny Bastard xD) he peered in closer, only to note that the two girl's had gotten even closer to each other and Alice was even stoking the side of Bella's cheek.

Why was she doing that? Did jasper know she did that to Bella?? Edward was pretty sure that was not a girl thing…that was a sex thing; that was meant to be his thing!!!! He couldn't just sit by and let this happen surely! But then again, he noted with a smirk, watching the two girls get closer and closer and begin to touch each other was kind of a turn on…

"MY GOD" he mouthed finally, Alice had done it. She'd reached round and cupped Bella's head with her hand before gently pulling her into a passionate kiss. No that damned pixie, Bella was his!! But wait, why was Bella kissing her back? Edward watched as the kiss progressed more and more until it was pretty much a full bore make out on Bella's bed. Alice was initiating pretty much everything, but that didn't mean Bella wasn't complying freely, she just returned everything Alice did.

"My Bella…" he whispered, "Stolen from me, was it because I was too slow? Did you move on?..." his lip quavered momentarily before his shook it off and let go of the window ledge, he didn't want to witness this anymore, Bella didn't love him. She was infatuated by that poisonous pixie that dared to call herself his sister. Alice had a mate and here she was stealing away his potential mate, that was just plain greedy.

He fell to the ground with a thump and let himself just lay there on the wet grass. Was life even worth it anymore? So many years he'd been searching for someone just right for him, and he'd finally thought he'd found that perfect one, but no…he'd been wrong. (Drama queen!)

He ran a hand through his messy bronze locks and sighed, what now? His whole plan to get laid with Bella had been thrown out the window, seeing as she was up in her room making out with another girl… well whatever he was going to do; he didn't want to do it here. Staying here any longer was just way to painful, so he sprung up onto his feet and turned off to glance down the deserted road.

Somewhere down that empty road was someone willing enough to help him, somewhere…. So he started running, off to find another way to get laid. (Run forest RUUUUN)

-Bella's room-

"So that's what it's like" Bella breathed staring into Alice's warm golden eyes, her own brown orbs aglow with delight and passion, she'd never dreamed that kissing a vampire was so breathtaking. It was like kissing something so icy cold yet so sparking with life at the same time, it was rather hard to explain exactly how it felt, other than that it felt good.

"Yep" Alice replied happily, "But I can't guarantee that Edward will be the same as me, he hasn't had a lot of experience in this department" she giggled, the only reason that she was here tonight was because Bella was so anxious about taking her friendship with Edward to the next level… she really wanted to but the only problem was Bella didn't know what to do or expect, so that's where Alice came in.

"Wow… Thanks Alice, I was just so nervous you know…" she smiled at the cheerful Pixie and noticed that same mischievous glint in her eyes that Edward had noticed about five minutes ago.

"That's alright" Alice replied before sliding closer to Bella, "But you know there are other things that I can teach you about, things that Edward couldn't even dream about" she leant forward and whispered those last few words long and slow in Bella's ear, sending shivers all the way down her body.

She'd noticed her brother sitting outside watching them and she'd also felt him slink away into the darkness shortly after she'd began to make out with Bella, that meant Bella was free for the night and Alice was now in the mood for some more fun.

"Like what?" was Bella's innocent reply, in truth there was a lot about Vampires she didn't know, so any help was gladly received, but in this case she didn't realise just exactly what she was getting herself into. Alice's face contorted into a sly grin before using her super human strength to pin Bella down onto her bed.

"Anything and Everything" she hissed before mashing their lips together and initiating a night that would be unforgettable for both Bella and Edward for the rest of their lives. (Don't do Yuri so that's all you're getting at the moment…unless I'm feeling really generous)

-Somewhere in the rain-

"Once upon a time there was an extremely handsome Vampire who was kind and generous and slightly mysterious, but that poor mistaken Vampire was mistreated by everyone around him and one day even by the one who he loved A LOT…" Edward was sitting under a doorway somewhere in Forks moping, and trying to write his memoirs on a small and very dirty newspaper that he'd found on the side of the road, but if anyone had of read them right at that moment, they would have most likely told him to go get over himself and get laid.

So with a little more debate on the matter and one look at the weather, he politely told any possible potential reader's to go fuck themselves and that he was going home to drown his sorrows in a book or something. It was raining now by the way, and that did not help lighten his mood at all.

"Stupid Bella," he muttered as he ran down the slippery and wet road to his house. "Who needs her, I haven't had a mate yet and I don't need one now!!" his clothes got soaked and his hair stuck down onto his face, not to mention his feet got soaked too and this all happened because…it was RAINING! He didn't like rain, rain was wet… and for someone already deathly cold wet rain wasn't any fun.

By the time Edward reached his house, he'd decided that his cause was a hopeless one and that he was going to go run away to Guatemala and become a crack addict. All this flustratedness was making him hunger badly and he was debating running off to go find a snack, when he remembered something. Alice was with Bella that meant Jasper was free for the night…perhaps he wanted to go do something with Edward, something that involved getting laid!

Edward smiled to himself as he tore up the stairs to his stunningly clean and white mansion that was situated on the outskirts of Forks in the forestry area, close to food…but Edward forced himself to forget about snacking and focus on his new task, locating Jasper.

He didn't have to look far; he could sense the overly stiff vampire a mile away. He was in the living room watching TV. "Yus!" Edward muttered tearing into the sterilised house of his (…have you seen their house?!) still dripping wet from the rain and over to the living room. But before entering he froze, all of a sudden really nervous. "What do I say to him?" he mused, "Hi Jasper, hows it going? Do you happen to realise that your mate is off screwing mine at the moment? Wanna go get laid?..."

Edward cringed, maybe this plan of his wasn't such a good idea after all… but ah well, as said before Edward wanted to get laid, no matter the cost. And besides Jasper deserved to know about Alice, that evil Pixie!! So he sucked in his pride and walked into his living room.

Jasper sat upon their white couch, stiff as ever, staring absently at the television screen. Not even blinking, it kinda looked as if he were in some kind of trance. His wispy blond hair fell over his face, looking un-brushed and untamed and his wild eyes still showed signs of intense blood lust. But his rigid stance gave an insight into how so many feelings can affect one person's body and even mind.

Edward slopped into the room and began trudging over to where Jasper sat, but before he even reached him Jasper said,

"No" so short and curt, it made Edward freeze in his steps, how had Jasper known what he was going to ask, he couldn't read minds, only Edward could do that… couldn't he?

"But how?" Edward began, frowning in confusion. He wanted to know how Jasper knew what he was going ask, but he was cut off by Jasper, who hadn't even turned to look at him.

"I can feel your emotions and no," Jasper changed the channel and Edwards mouth slowly fell down to hit the ground, how had he missed that and wow Jasper could be cold when he wanted to be. He huffed and folded his arms across his chest.

"Well fine then" he hissed turning away from Jasper and walking back to the door, Jasper didn't want to help him, he deserved Alice, she was against him as well. "Your Mate is off screwing Bella just so you know" he grinned at himself that would teach Jasper to be so cold. Oh yeah he'd got him there, but then he heard some laughter from behind him and Jasper said,

"I know, isn't she great" this left Edward speechless, Jasper knew! Well then he was now not any brother of Edwards, he could go back to where he came from and stay there! Edward flipped his brother off before he stormed out of the room and headed up to his, now he really was pissed.

He had thought he was exaggerating before when he'd said it seemed that everyone was against him but now it didn't seem like such an exaggeration. This had to be the worst day in his whole afterlife ever! (…afterlife…I think that's right xD!)

As he stormed up the stairs he peeled off his soaked jacket and slung it over his shoulder, perhaps he would just go for a shower and then read a book and then go find something to snack on… that seemed like a good plan, or perhaps he would just change and then go snack, or just go snack. All of those seemed very plausible as the moment, he was so pissed that he wanted to go suck the blood out of a whole flock of sheep, every single one…

That was until he walked past Rosalie's room, and noticed her sitting, well more like lounging on a chair couch thing, doing girl things in her mirror, things like make up and her hair. But none of that was what caught his attention; no what caught his attention was what she was wearing. Rosalie was sitting there in a black leather corset, and black silky lingerie, with fishnet stockings and long leather boots. 'Holy crap!' Edwards mind screamed, 'She looks hawt!! I wonder…'

Edward put on his cool act and lent on Rosalie's doorframe and knocked on the wall. "Hey Rosalie" he said in a slow deep voice, trying to sound sexy, "Nice get up, for anyone special?" Rosalie glanced over at Edward before scoffing and returning to her preening that she had nearly completed.

"Go away Edward" she said, once she noticed that he wasn't leaving, "You're not wanted here" Edward gasped and tried to look hurt, truthfully he'd never really gotten on with Rosalie, she'd always kinda been a bitch to him. Still was, but now she was a hawt bitch, with all that leather and her long blonde hair curling down her back and her curvaceous figure and… (Imagine a sex goddess and then you've got it okay)

Edward tried to stop himself from drooling right there and then, but then again…what was the harm really?

"Come on Rosalie, you don't mean that…" Rosalie turned to him and smiled evilly,

"Yes Edward, yes I do…now do you mind you're blocking the doorway…" Edward frowned, he was blocking the way? From what??

"From what?" he queried out loud,

"From me" the reply came from right behind him, and he didn't need to turn around to recognise that the deep strong manly voice speaking right down his neck was Emmett's and that it was probably not safe to be standing where he was standing right now.

"Oh…" he whispered trying to move out of the way without having to turn to face Emmett. "Sorry…" he dipped around his humongous bear of a brother and tried to leave peacefully, but twas not to be so, for when he got only a few steps away from Emmett, the very same guy halted him on the spot with four very terrifying words.

"Why were you here?" Edward cringed, he wasn't about to tell Emmett that he was thinking about screwing his mate was he, No! not when Emmett could most likely rip his head off and all his other limbs as if it were just another one of his morning workouts.

"Uh…" he had to think of something witty soon, making fun of Rosalie would certainly throw off any suspicion that he was there out of real intentions. He grinned to himself, as he found the perfect comeback. "Well I was just passing and I noticed Rosalie dressed as she is and I just wanted to say… you two surely have an interesting sex life, and that I never figured that you would be a submissive one Emmett" he grinned at the bear as he watched his normal cheery face fall into a frown and then a scowl and then and all out death glare.

Edward cringed once more before spinning and taking off down that hallway, he didn't want to hang around there anymore, not seeing as he just pissed off Emmett. He headed straight for his room, figuring that Emmett would be too busy to come after him, he was going to change, then read for a while…then snack, defiantly snack.

-Emmett-

"Hey Rosalie" Emmett called to his mate, who was now lying facing him with a sexy look in her eyes, "Don't go anywhere, I just gotta go smack Edward's head against a wall for a few minutes, ten tops kay" Rosalie laughed and stretched out a little more, like a model waiting for a photo shoot.

"Sure take as long as you want beating that melons head in, and give him one extra hard one for me" she cackled to herself before pulling over a magazine and beginning to read it, Emmett chuckled to himself, Rosalie would even give up sex momentarily if it meant Edward was getting a beating, anything to do with Edward and beating was fine with her. Before he set off down the hallway towards Edward's room, he was no one's bitch…and he would show Edward this.

-Edwards Room-

Okay so Edward had arrived in his room, shortly after sprinting away from Emmett and instantly thrown off all his wet clothes, they were all sticky and wet and gross. And then he changed into something a little drier, okay just a t-shirt and jeans (Wait do they have curtains in their house?) and then he slumped down onto his own white couchey thing with a book in hand.

"How could Bella do that?" he asked himself as he opened his book about something really old and boring, "I thought we were really going to be mates…" he tired to focus on the words in his book but his mind kept wandering and drifting back to the same thing, sex. He wanted it so badly, but it seemed no one wanted to give it to him, all these years he'd waited for a mate like all his brothers had and he'd been betrayed. (MY GOD… xD I made Edward whiny)

Finally he gave up and threw his book across the floor and went to just staring at his ceiling, that was until his bedroom door was flung open rather brutally and a huuuge figure strode into his room. Edward shot up from his couch thing and gulped, it was Emmett and he was looking rather pissy.

"Hey Emmett" Edward said mousely, giving Emmett a timid wave, "What brings you here to my room?" Emmett grinned at him and normally that was a good sign, but right at this moment a grin from Emmett meant only one thing, ligament ripping… and sure enough Emmet's reply was,

"I thought I'd come rip off a few fingers for your remark before" he took a step towards Edward who held up his hands in an attempt to protect himself,

"Aw come on Emmett, it was only a joke…go back to Rosalie, I bet she's missing you." He backed away from Emmett who was still approaching him, and not stopping. Why was he not stopping?!!!

"Actually she wanted me to hit your head against a wall really hard, so…" Edward sighed; yep this was defiantly the worst day he'd ever experienced in his whole afterlife.

"Come on Emmett can't you just leave me alone, please!" He really wasn't in the mood to fight Emmett, he just wanted to run off into the forest and never come back, he had nothing for him here anymore anyway. Emmett froze his assault and cocked his head to one side, something was wrong with Edward, he was usually quite depressive and distant but tonight he seemed more depressive than normal.

"Hey Edward are you alright?" he asked, seriously something was off about his brother. He was guessing it had to be with Bella seeing as Edward had been trying to hit on Rosalie, oh yeah he'd seen that.

Edward just sighed and sat back down on that freakish couch, he didn't really want to talk about his problems. He just wanted to get laid!

"I don't want to talk about it, just leave me alone!" He turned away from Emmett in hope that his bear of a brother would leave, but he didn't and only came closer to Edward.

"Come on Edward, don't be like that. I was kidding before about ripping you fingers off, come on what's wrong?" when he got no apparent reply from Edward, even after a few minutes he sighed and turned away from Edward. "Fine then, sit here and mope…I'm going" he walked back towards Edward's door when suddenly there was a whoosh and his arm was grabbed by Edward's hand.

He turned to see Edward staring up at him looking rather pained,

"Alice took her away from me" he whispered, "She stole Bella…" Emmett frowned, what did Alice do?

"Alice stole Bella? How did she do that?..." Edward sighed and drooped his head (aw the cute ukeness!) before muttering,

"She's there now, kissing and whatever leads to sex…with MY BELLA!!!" his grip intensified on Emmett's arm almost to the point where he was nearly ripping it off. "And all I thought was wrong and Jasper's against me as well and and…" here goes, maybe Emmett would help him. "I JUST WANT TO GET LAID!!!" he exhaled loudly and fast as he tried to calm himself down but it wasn't working very well.

"You want what now?" Emmett asked, finding it hard not to laugh at his brother standing in front of him. Edward looked up at him and Emmett gasped, his eyes were already full of lust. He must have wanted sex more than anything on the earth at the moment.

"Sex, alright I want it…and no one wants to give it to me?...I just don't understand!!!" he let his grip on Emmett's arm loosen but he still kept hold of it. Emmett was shocked, why did Edward want sex so bad? Surely he'd had his share of it over the decades, unless…

"Hang on Edward" he blurted without even thinking, "Are you trying to tell me that your still a virgin?!!!" Edward's eyes widened and his mouth made a few movements like a shocked goldfish before he looked away from his brother.

"Well…" he admitted finally, "I wanted to save myself for when I found my mate, but then it took longer than I thought and then when I found Bella I thought…but now…" Emmett couldn't believe it, here was Edward a hot sexy vampire, who had at least 90 years of experience and he hadn't even screwed one person! It was just not possible was it? (No never possible, he tooooo ugly!!!)

"But Edward…" he just couldn't find the words to explain his bewilderment about the situation. "I can't believe Bella and Alice would do something like that…or that you're still a virgin!" Edward let go of Emmett's arm and crossed his,

"Yeah well they are and I am…" he was in such a bad mood now he could even go for the blood of a human, one in particular… But Emmett shocked him out of his blood lust by grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling him in close.

"Are you telling me the truth Edward?" he asked slow and forceful, making sure not to break eye contact with Edward. "You're not just trying to mess with me?..." Edward looked deep into Emmett's golden orbs and after a moment nodded, there was no point in lying to Emmett. "Wow…" Emmett released Edward and took a step back from him before scratching the back of his neck nervously.

"I would never have guessed, looks like you've got yourself one hell of a bad situation going on…" he turned away from Edward and once more headed for the door, "But nothing I could help you with so…see ya!" he began to whistle as he reached the door, and Edward stood there a few metres away from him astounded, Here he'd just poured all his troubles out to Emmett and the very same guy had just shrugged them off at the blink of a eye. No way, Emmett just had to help him with his problem, he had to know something!!

Edward used his super vampire powers once more and zipped round past Emmett and blocked him at the doorway of his room. He stood there for a long time, just staring at Emmett before he frowned and asked,

"How do vampires, I mean you guys have sex anyway? We don't have any beds in the house…isn't that the normal way to have sex?" Emmett's whistling fell silent and his face contorted into many different expressions in a matter of seconds before he burst out laughing, and caused the whole room to shake slightly.

"Wow, you really are a virgin!" he boomed, grabbing his ribs with his hands, "You don't even know the basics…" he wiped his eyes and tried to breathe slowly to calm down. "Didn't you ever attend Sex Ed in all the years we've been at school?" Edward frowned and thought for a moment before shaking his head, he couldn't remember taking any classes on Sex Ed, or perhaps he'd just chosen to skip them…maybe that hadn't been such a good idea. "Really?" Emmett quired, not believing Edward "Cause I've been to heaps…"

Edward's mind suddenly had a brain flash, Emmett had attended those classes, Emmett knew all there was to know about sex…Emmett could teach him!! He grinned at Emmett who just raised his eyebrows at Edward.

"You could help me" Edward said taking a step towards Emmett, who backed up a little.

"Oh yeah and hows that?" he didn't really see how he could help Edward with sex, unless he hired him a hooker. Edward continued to grin at him as he took another step forward and replied,

"You could be my teacher on Sex Ed…" Emmett laughed at this ridiculous idea, there was no way he could teach Edward about sex, they'd need all the stuff he'd seen and learnt about in his classes and Emmett wasn't really in the mood to play school teacher, he had been in the mood for Rosalie a few minutes ago, but now he didn't know when he would get what he wanted.

"Come on Edward" he groaned, "How could I do that?" Edward shrugged his shoulders and stood there grinning at him rather creepily, there was something in the glint of his eyes now that was making Emmett nervous, if he'd seen Alice's he would have linked them to hers, but he hadn't…

"I dunno Emmett" Edward said in a deep slow voice, once again trying to sound sexy (FAIL FAIIIIIL!!) "You're the teacher you tell me…" Emmett laughed nervously, his brother's attitude was beginning to freak him out a little, okay a lot, but what was he meant to do? Fight Edward? Well that could work…

"Edward seriously think about it, the only way I could teach you about sex right here and now it to take you and…" Edward's eyes lit up with interest and he cried,

"Okay what's that?!" Emmett's mouth fell ajar and he let out a long moan,

"Oh god" he groaned to himself, "To take someone is uh a form of sex, but…" Emmett didn't get a chance to finish his sentence before Edward was beaming at him and sliding his door shut.

"So taking is sex?" he asked taking another step towards Emmett, whose mouth had by now hit the ground in bewilderment.

"Edward no" he said backing up more, "I'm not going to take you!" Edwards face went from one of interest and excitement to one of desperation and anger.

"Emmett please!!" he cried running forward and grabbing hold of Emmett's strong shoulders, "Please take me! I don't care what it is; just show me what sex is like!! I have waited 90 years for a mate only to have her stolen from me… and I don't know if I'll find another ever again…" Edward was extremely close to Emmett by now, and Emmett was beginning to feel extremely uncomfortable and kind of embarrassed that his brother was acting like a sex deprived maniac, but then again who could really blame him 90 odd years celibate…shit that was rough.

"But Edward I'm not…" Edward ignored him and lent in so their faces were only an inch from each other.

"Please Emmett," he whispered, "I need you" Emmet gulped hard and took a deep breath, he was bound to regret what he was about to do, but for some reason he couldn't find the strength to resist his little brothers pleas.

"Fine" he mumbled, "But we speak of this to no one ever!" he looked Edward dead in the eyes to emphasise his words, but they were lost in a sea of excitement and anticipation on Edward's account. He just stayed there beaming at Emmett like a lost puppy and Emmett sighed, "Just follow me" he lent in and pressed his lips to Edward's gently at first, just brushing and nipping at Edward's lips before he pushed his way into Edward's cavern and began to dance with Edward's tongue.

'_A kiss'_ his mind spoke to Edward, seeing as his mouth was kind of busy, '_Slow and sensual at first, yet fiery and passionate as tongues meet and do battle'_ Edward smiled through the kiss, he liked kissing Emmett, it felt so natural, it tasted to poisonly addictive, but he wanted more. So without even really knowing what he was doing he pulled himself closer to Emmett and ended up grinding himself against the bear, earning from him a low throaty groan.

Edward's eyes lit up and he pulled his lips away from Emmett's, he was panting and his nonexistent blood was pumping with adrenalin. If he'd been human right now, he would have guessed he was rather short of breath. He grinned at Emmett and ground himself against him again both groaning as a result this time. Edward just couldn't get enough of the amazing feeling in his groin at the moment, it was electrifying.

"You're like a sex deprived dog you know" Emmett grunted pushing Edward over to his bookshelf. Edward grinned at Emmett and replied huskily,

"Well then cure me…" Emmett groaned inwardly, virgins were always so innocently sexy. It didn't help that Edward was an even sexier vampire. He thumped Edward down on his precious book shelf and moved to ripping off his shirt, easy who cares what state it ended up in.

More kisses were shared, these more heated and frantic. Edward wanted to experience everything and not miss a thing of Emmett's teaching. While Emmett continued to kiss Edward, his hands travelled over Edward's icy chest, stroking and massaging every muscle and indent of Edward's torso.

"Mmmm Emmett" Edward groaned as Emmet attached himself to Edward's neck, sucking and biting lightly all the way along his collar bone. As he did this he attached one of his hands onto Edward's nipple to tease it and see what reaction he got out of Edward. The mewls and groans were rather satisfying, but he still had more to teach Edward…and he was beginning to get painfully hard.

With his free hand he let it travel down to the waistband of Edward's jeans before he ripped them off him. Edward just stood there pinned against the wall, gripping onto Emmett's shoulders to the point of nearly snapping them off, he was so caught up the pleasurable wave of what must have been sex, this was sex right? Little did he know the best was to come. ( Seriously he had no clue xD)

Finally after more heated kisses Emmett pulled away and stared down at the almost flustered Edward.

"You know, Sex tip number one. Never just leave the other person fully clothed, that leaves a break in the contact and the whole mood." Edward gasped and his hands instantly flew to Emmett's shirt to rip it off when Emmett stop him. "Please don't rip my shirt" he said, easily slipping out of it and then out of his jeans. "Unlike you this isn't my room" he smirked at Edward, who seemed to be taking thousands of mental notes about every second of what he was experiencing and before Edward could do anything he was whisked around and down onto the ground.

"What the?!" he cried and Emmett pinned him there.

"You wanted to know how we have sex, well this is it. We're too strong for beds anyway, we just break them" Edward's mouth made an O shape before he gasped as Emmett suddenly slipped him out of his boxers. Emmett laughed at Edward's surprise and purred sexily, "Did you seriously think that what we did before was sex Eddy, come on not even you could be so naive. In one of your books there must have been at least one sex scene, it seems to me like your situation just couldn't be possible." Edward knew that if he were human right now, he would have been blushing for he felt so embarrassed.

"I never went near the subject a first, seeing as I thought that like you all I would find someone for me fairly soon, but then… I just kind of immersed myself in other things and steered away from the subject" He pulled Emmett down into a hungry kiss before continuing, "But now I hunger it even more than blood itself!" Emmett smirked at him before commenting,

"Strange vampire" this made Edward smile, but a smile was not what Emmett was aiming for no he wanted more than that so he spread open Edward's legs and slid in between them before slowly beginning to massage his way up Edward's thighs, inching ever closer to Edward's twitching erection.

"Just remember you'll be doing this to a girl someday so take notes on what to do" Edward nodded quickly, he was too far in heaven to really be taking notes, he just wanted to experience everything over and over in slow motion for the rest of his life.

Finally Emmet reached his prize and he grinned deviously as Edward let out a long deep throaty moan as Emmett began to stroke his erection slowly at first, then speeding up gradually. Edward squirmed and twisted and groaned and bucked, his body that was meant to feel like ice itself, was metaphorically on fire! _'Do you like that Eddy?'_Emmett teased in Edward's head.

'_Yes!'_ Edward groaned back, bucking up into Emmett's hand. Emmett chuckled to himself and lent down to suck at Edward's neck once more,

'_Say it out loud, in fact scream it for me'_ Emmett hadn't figured that he would enjoy this too much at the beginning, but he had to admit, screwing Edward was good, in fact it was great. He was a Fucken perfect uke, not that Emmett was gay, he was just more bi.

Edward groaned louder this time, but it wasn't enough for Emmett, '_Scream for me, scream that you want more and I'll give you a special prize'_ Edward wanted more, he would do anything to increase the feeling he was getting in his gut at the moment.

"More Emmett, MORE!!" By now Emmett's hand was going at super speed and Edward could stand it no longer, he felt something explode inside of him. It resembled something he had back when he was a human, but at the same time it seemed to be tainted with venom. He rode out some amazing feeling he was going through before he glanced down to see Emmet grinning at him.

"Like that?" he purred kissing Edward once more,

"Yes" was Edward's quick reply, he more than liked it he'd loved it!!!

"Want more?" was that a stupid question or what? Of course Edward wanted more, he wanted it all!!!

"I don't think you've finished teaching me so of course yes!" he didn't care if he sounded needy, he was needy. He needed Emmett!!! (Ack god I've reached this point and I think I'm going insane)

"Fine, next is something you defiantly need a girl to do to you, it's sexy if she can deep throat alright" Edward nodded but didn't really understand what Emmett was talking about. That was until Emmett slid down till his head was hovering over Edward's slightly limp erection; he was way too excited to calm down.

And then all off a sudden Emmett began to lick the tip of his dick slowly at first and only taking a small amount of himself into his mouth,

"Oh God Emmett," he cried as Emmett's pace increased and he began to slide his mouth further down Edward's length. "Faster" this was amazing, it was hard to explain. Emmett's mouth was wet with venom and as it slid around his now hard erection, it was making a thousand lights explode inside of him. Edward could now understand how guys found this such a turn on in girls, he'd thought the hand job was amazing but this was even more so. He just couldn't pin point his emotions at the moment.

He'd never felt so human as he did now, for some reason there was so many raw emotion pouring out of his body, he was in pure bliss. Emmett began to do what he described as deep throating and he began to hum against Edward's erection. This was all too much, Edward couldn't take it anymore, he felt the same swelling he'd felt before and with a couple more bobs of Emmett's head and as he grated his fangs lightly down Edward's shaft, Edward let out a scream and came again, but this time in Emmett's mouth.

Once Emmett had swallowed everything Edward had to give, he slid back up to where Edward lay still convulsing from the after orgasm.

"That" he whispered, "Was a blow job, or head… you could call it either, but I take it you liked it right" Edward smiled up at him and nodded,

"Very, is that sex Emmett? Is that what I should try with some girl?" Emmett smiled and slipped himself out of his own boxers.

"Poor Edward, you still have so much to learn. Sex involves two people getting pleasure, so far it's only been you. That's foreplay got it?"

"Okay" Edward mumbled finally getting a good look at Emmett, he was gorgeous seeing as the whole Cullen Family sparkled and all, but Emmett was built like an animal, so broad and strong. Every part of his body was muscle practically and not to mention he was well loaded. Compared to Emmett, Edward now felt that he looked rather scrawny and feminine. "You are a monster when it comes to muscles, do you know that?!" Emmett smirked at him before replying,

"Jealous?" Edward grinned and added slyly,

"Only slightly" Edward wondered what Emmett was going to do next, he was so anxious about sex, he was so close to finally knowing what sex really was. Suddenly and without warning Edward felt his legs being lifted around Emmett's waist, he held them thinking it was where they were meant to stay. Well actually Emmett told him to keep them there, but same thing. (NOT!) and then he prepared himself, by slicking up his dick with whatever was leaking out of it. He told Edward that it was necessary, but not with girls. Edward had only nodded and taken note of his words before going back to waiting impatiently.

"Are you sure you want this?" Emmett asked before beginning, "You've been saving yourself for so long and now I'm the one who's taking everything away from you" Edward glared up at him and noted that his whole expression had softened as if he really meant those words. Edward couldn't believe him, there was no way he was leaving this room until Edward knew what sex was!!

"Just do it already Emmett!" he cried, tightening his hold on Emmett's waist. Emmett grunted in reply and positioned himself for entry before taking a deep breath and entering Edward. Holy crap! Emmett was huge, he filled Edward right up and as he slid into Edward's tight virgin ass, Edward felt as if right now he should be feeling immense pain, but he wasn't. At the most he was feeling a slight discomfort, but then Emmett brushed against something inside of him that caused him to buck up against Emmett and scream loudly (Yes people Eddy=Screamer!!)

"Like that huh?" Emmett grunted as he adjusted to being inside of Edward, Edward groaned and tired to get Emmett to move by bucking up again. He wanted him to hit that special spot again, it felt so good!! Emmett hissed as Edward's tight walls slid against his erection and he began to move slowly, pulling himself out of Edward and then slamming back down into his ass with vampiric speed and force.

Edward screamed and groaned at the same time, the feeling that was shocking through his body at the moment was by far the best, the rest had been amazing and more so, but this, this was pure heaven! The electrifying sense of Emmett sliding in and out of him, the rhythmic slapping of skin on skin and the passionate speed and intense force behind each thrust, was making Edward nearly tear in two.

Every time Emmett thrust into him he hit that same spot that made him see stars, that same sweet spot, he never wanted this moment to end ever. He couldn't believe this was what he'd been missing out on for the last 90 years. Edward could feel himself getting nearer and nearer to the edge and he thrust himself up in an attempt to help Emmett along the way.

Emmett grunted long and rough as Edward did this, obviously he too was nearing his edge, after all it wasn't everyday you got to fuck a virgin after all, and Edward's ass was so tight. Emmett reached down and began to pump Edward's erection in time with their thrusts and it was only a matter of mere seconds before Edward was screaming loudly once more and coming hard into Emmett's hand (I'm not sure if vampires do come, but they do something along the lines of it so meh)

And as Edwards already tight muscles contracted even further around Emmet's erection he couldn't hold in any longer either. He bucked up one last time inside Edward as he released, before letting out a long deep growl, that had been good sex. But now his teaching was done. He pulled out of Edward who was still up on top the world, so many feelings, thoughts, it was so overwhelming.

Emmett stood up and glanced down at his brother, who wouldn't stop grinning at him.

"What?" he asked, finding one of Edward's tea-shirts to clean himself off, before pulling his other clothes on.

"I love sex" Edward said sitting up, "It's great!" Emmett laughed at his brother's words and this whole situation; he'd just managed to turn his brother into a sex maniac, who was now likely to try and shag the whole of Forks.

"Well good for you" He muttered throwing the dirty shirt away and heading for the door, "Goodnight Edward, oh and remember never speak of this to anyone…" He glanced back at Edward and narrowed his eyes.

"Mmkay" Edward just sat there on the ground, in a world of his own. He'd gotten laid, and now he knew what sex was and he could do it with other people. Emmett was such a great brother. Emmett left Edward there gleaming and shut his door, no one really wanted to see Edward sitting naked on his floor.

"This has to be the craziest night of my whole afterlife" he muttered shaking his head as he walked back to the room he shared with Rosalie "Never would have thought Edward was _That_ clueless when it came to sex, well I hope at least he sticks to girls now…" Emmett smiled, although he wouldn't mind another night like this once and a while, it was fun…and vampires liked fun. And with those thoughts he returned to Rosalie who was delighted to hear Edward had gotten what he deserved and then their special night continued undisrupted. (OMG IT'S OVER!!! X.x)

-Epilogue thingy-

A few days had passed since Emmett's and Edward's little night together and Emmett had put it to the back of his mind, but not Edward. There were still so many things that he needed to know. So once again it was night and he slinked out of his room and down to Emmett's. Rosalie was out with Alice, shopping…maybe, but who knew with Alice!!

Anyway, there Emmett sat at a desk, writing… possibly homework. Edward knocked on the door frame and waltzed inside.

"Hey Emmett" he said coming over to sit on the side of his desk, "Was that normal sex we had? Should I try that with a girl?" Emmett froze in the middle of his sentence and coughed loudly,

"Uh what?" He asked, Edward grinned at him and repeated his question.

"Was that normal sex we had Emmett? It that what I should try with a girl?...." Emmett shook his head, sometimes he couldn't believe his brother.

"No" he finally replied, "That's not how you have normal sex with a girl" Edward's face fell and he then asked,

"Oh so how do you do it with a girl? and what did we do? I thought it was sex!" Emmett sighed and took in a deep breath, before answering.

"Yes it was sex, it was called anal okay. You could try it with a girl, but it's not the usual way…" Edward nodded and contemplated Emmett's words before asking,

"So what is the usual way?" Emmett scrunched his face up, did he really have to tell his little brother about girls and how they function? "You could always just show me Emmett" Edward said finally, seeing his brother straining,

"Oh yeah and how?!" Emmett cried, "I'm not a girl!" There was some laughter from Edward before he said,

"No but you can think cant you and I can read minds remember…." Emmett's face fell, and he growled,

"Oh I remember and why didn't you tell me this a few nights ago?"

"Well you forgot so…." Edward started, whilst scratching the side of his head arkwardly.

"So you conveniently forgot to remind me" Edward smiled and nodded,

"Glad we're on the same page then" he beamed at Emmett and waited patiently for his thoughts. Finally they came and Edward concentrated one them hard, his face going through many different facials, some good some a little disturbing. Finally Emmett stopped thinking and Edward's eyes fell upon him once more, "Thanks Emmett" he said, "But I like anal better" he jumped up off the desk and headed out towards the door, "In fact I might go ask Bella if she wants' to try it!" (Edward likes anal, Edward likes anal!!!)

Emmett shook his head, his brother was one weird and could you really call him wonderful? But anyway, one weird creature put on this earth, but atleast he was back to chasing girls. Edward froze at the doorway and spun back to face his guru. "Oh and Emmett?" he asked, "What's a period?...is it one of the sex toys Rosalie likes to talk about?" Emmett who had just taken a drink from his water bottle after needing it to calm his nerves, ended up spitting it out all over his homework.

"A period?" he squeaked, "Uhum… uh well… why don 't you ask Bella, or Rosalie or," he was at a loss for words, this was one subject he really didn't want to have to teach his brother, he couldn't believe that he didn't even know about the functions of a girl, but then again he'd hadn't figured out that girls have one major organ that boys don't…. "Hell why not even ask our mother!"

Edward frowned at him, why wouldn't he tell him what a period was? It couldn't have been that bad… could it? Even Emmett's thoughts were too mumbled up for Edward to decyper, ah well there was always any of the people Emmett said, to tell him. Maybe even Jasper knew! Edward smiled and thanked Emmett once more before running out of his room, his eyes alight with a whole new prospect on the world… he'd finally gotten laid.

THE END!!!!

**THISONEONLYGETSAFEWWORDSCAUSEITSTHEENDANDYOUACTUALLYREADITALLWHICHMEANSLIKESECRETYOULIKETWILIGHTAHHHARGHHHARGHARGHARHGDIESSSSSSS**

**There it was, uhum dont cha just love it hahaha...well review and tell me what you thinked, i thought it was a pretty darn good entry for the Minx will never write anthing Twlilght contest...i'll pretty much try anthing if its yaoi!!! xD gotta love being a yaoi fan-girl. **

**Well as Secret says...laterz...hahahah got you there!!!**

**Bai,**

**MinxB**


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